Binge-ish?

Silence. Drinking. Thoughts. Depression. Cravings. The need to make careless decisions that I am in control of, to protect, well, everyone. Obsessively i wonder if it’s enough to count as adequate to be harmful, while trying to walk the line of acceptable. I am ok. I tell myself that every second of every day knowing damn well I am not ok, but I am. This is my life. I am very well versed in being on the verge of falling apart but somehow maintaining just enough of my dignity and strength to go forward, to be the strong one, to keep it together. To have the inevitable question asked (and i promise no judgement cause what else does one say)? but “oh my god i don’t know how you do it? How are you so strong? You are the strongest person i have ever met!” And honestly, that is the truth! And i don’t know how the fuck i do it! And you don’t know how the fuck you would do it either. We just do….. what we have to… to survive.
Tomorrow my wife would be turning 39. She died a year and a half ago almost exactly and on Friday i just left Maui to come back to the mainland to grow and heal. Since her passing i have gained 50+ pounds, picked up drinking even more (and then some bad habits), cut out my ENTIRE family whom i considered my only family, fought with and cut out my brother in law and lost friends who didn’t have the guts to deal with my reality and stand by me. I’ve created my Ohana circle, my friends who are “acquaintances” circle, my best friends circle and the “ya’ll don’t even know what you’re getting yourselves into” circle. If you are part of my life, you know where you belong. If you don’t know your place, allow me to give you a glimpse into my life. I’m #survivingtheunsurvivable ✌🏼🤙🏼