enough?

There’s this burden I carry, most of the time it goes unnoticed, but then there are days like today where EVERYTHING seems to be so heavy and connected and sometimes I just don’t know how to process it all. The morning started with some fb memories where I posted about how thankful I was for my life and how i don’t take anything for granted, but then memories came up of my mother in law being in the hospital, of moving across the ocean, of pumpkin patches, of love…. And I look at my life and where I’m at and it all just crumbles around me. This morning my dog was barking at the window and I said out loud to her “Aw do you see mama, did she come here to say hi to you?” Then the day carried on with signs left and right that Jess was with me. I’ve dreamed of her 3 nights in a row. I have felt her all day and my heart ached and I cried. Still I cry.
The guilt I carry comes from this feeling that maybe I could have done more. They wouldn’t let me on the ambulance, they wouldn’t even let me near it. All they cared about was what she ate that day and the night before, but not that she needed me to be there telling her to fight harder. I was stuck answering stupid questions that didn’t matter. And then at the hospital I agreed that they had given enough time and it was ok to let her go, even though I wasn’t given the opportunity to tell her to get her shit together and fight! Did they do enough? Did I do enough? I should have made them do more. And then I remember my mother in law, and how we had to make that decision as well. It all blurs even though they were 4 years apart. Now that seems to cloud my life and I don’t know how to let it go, to not carry that burden of “did I do enough?”