I always feel the urge to write after some deep feels from the day or last few days. That time of the month always brings it out (and moving off island is a huge factor) Of course this is no exception. This morning i was having a dream, or nightmare if you will…. I was with Jess, we were arguing and she was yelling at me, saying something in regards to me not being there for her. This is where the dream always turns half real… i started yelling back that she’s the one who left me, and i mean because she died, even though in my dream with her that makes no sense. Then i start sobbing uncontrollably where i become so weak and just nothing on the ground, no substance, just a broken person with nothing holding them up, wrecked from the loss of their person. Then i wake up, grateful to have that moment with her, holding her, fighting with her, feeling the raw emotions, even if all i felt was pain and hurt, at least i felt it, and she was there. I’ll take every night as a nightmare as long as she’s in it. The part where i have to walk myself through the story of where we are now in life is just as painful as the dreams where she shows up and leaves all over again. I think every day without her is actually harder. The dreams/nightmares make me remember that once upon a time it was real and life was perfect. If only i didn’t take that for granted….

i spoke to a new insurance rep today for the new house we will be moving in to. After much back and forth he asked what prompted such a big move, from Maui to Bend, across an ocean. I told him I lost my wife (this is nothing new for me, it’s a constant story i tell). His response was so heavy. He went on about how he and I were the same age and how he just couldn’t imagine at this age being in my position, especially with kids. I felt his sorrow for me. It put a damper on his day for sure. Of course as an insurance agent he asked about life insurance, and i told him how just a few years ago we lost my mother in law so this was not our first go round and he sank farther into sorrow for me and my kids. He was changed. It hit him hard. Life is a trip, people are just going about their day and then they hear your story and it immediately grounds them and makes them look at what’s important. I hate the feeling on the other end of the line/conversation when someone is just so sorry for you that they become speechless. But, this is my life. This is my reality. This will be my story, forever. No matter how many things come along and change in the future, I will always be the girl who lost her soulmate at 36, with 2 young girls and a grown son. And our love will always be so much greater than most people will ever understand. Our family will always be that one family that people feel sad for, because they couldn’t imagine going through this. And we will always hate that people feel sad for us, or don’t know what to say or how to be, but we also don’t know what people should say or how to be. Nothing will ever be right or help us, and nothing will ever make it better. This is our story. I do hope though when someone crosses our paths they are able to feel more for their loved ones and appreciate each day a little more, and treat them a little better. If our heartbreak can help heal others just a little, I think it will help feel like some sort of good can come from this